Response to my MP version unlimited 

Kill me now. Part 1 Life shouldn’t be this bad. But you’re too evil to be able to care. So it gets worse.

Where do I begin? I’ve put so much thought into what I’ve written. But thus far I’ve failed. I‘ve failed but I mustn’t. 

So here’s another attempt. Where do I begin? My pain must be front and centre. 

Let me put a question front and centre. Think of it as you read this. 

I know what you can do to a suicidal individual. I know what you can’t do to a suicidal individual. So why would I want to live amongst monsters like you? 

I know this isn’t about me. How sad is that? But keep the message in the words above in mind. (Obviously not in heart. That’s impossible for your kind.) 

Too cruel to happen to anyone. My personal experiences. 

Here’s what I’ve been through. Here’s how I’ve felt. Imagine you know this feeling. 

The days turn into months and the months into years and all this time I want to die. But knowing that I want to die won’t get in the way of the evil and cruelty which defines the monsters who call themselves the human race. 

Every birthday is a painful reminder that I have failed to save myself. Every birthday is the opposite of celebrating that I’m still alive. Every new year is another year faced with dread because it’s another year I have to suffer and stay suicidal unless I kill myself. Even something which might be called “a good day” is tainted by the knowledge that the pain will never stop. Then there’s the times where there are no good days for years and I forget what a good day even feels like.

The pain never ends. So living becomes a punishment. You can’t even imagine how often I’ve thought that this might actually be hell itself rather than hell on Earth but neither is something that anyone should experience. But I am forced to endure all this because I live amongst monsters – just like what happens in hell. 

I suffer and I suffer more. The wounds in my psyche are many and there cuts upon cuts. But the pain doesn’t stop and neither does the cruelty of the monsters I am cursed to live amongst. The beatings just keep on going and what are small sufferings I experience as massive harms…do I need to explain what it’s like when someone keeps on beating you and beating you and pummels sore wounds? Then pokes the wounds which have received beating after beating already? 

My psyche is broken and bloodied and burned. But the monsters who call themselves the human race are not satisfied that they’ve done enough cruelty and evil to me. So you force me to live to keep on hurting me and making me want to die.

So I still need to die and I’m still suffering. To live one day of this nightmare is too brutal to do to anyone but it is not your humaneness that defines your species (no longer mine). That I am still suffering…that I still need to die…that should be impossible but it is your cruelty which defines you.

This is defensible? 

I could have been spared all of this but…it is your cruelty that defines you. At no point throughout all these hells was the most important concern that I’ve suffered enough or too much already. 

Even now you assert that I have not suffered enough. Not enough for you to grant me my death. My suffering is never enough for you. This is defensible? Of course it is. Your cruelty and evil is what defines your kind. 

Why would I want to live amongst monsters like you?

This is one of the many forms which suicidal suffering takes. This specific feeling is one I know all too well. 

I? This particular form of suicidal suffering I know so well is why in my previous attempts to make you care I’ve made reference to hell on Earth and torture as other ways to describe what’s happened and is still happening to me.

If only you had any empathy then none of this could be possible. If you had a shred of empathy then I’d never need to fight for any of the changes to the law that I’m failing to persuade you are completely necessary. But these changes are all absolutely necessary for those who suffer too much. 

More suffering? It should be impossible. 

If you don’t think all of this is too cruel for anyone to have to endure – even if it’s someone you hate – then I’ve failed to describe accurately how I felt about eight years ago. 

By any other name what I was going through was hell on Earth. The despair. The hopelessness. The desperation to end my life and the torture because of my cowardice. 

Imagine being happy in the hope that you’d die then imagine what you’d be feeling when you feel happy at the thought of your impending death? 

Then imagine all the suffering that makes me feel like this. Years and day after day being suicidal. So much pain. Oh God. So much pain.

The pain is the critical point. Even if I’m the worst person in the world what I was feeling eight years ago was something too awful for anyone to endure. 

Go back and reread the bit I’ve written above about my personal experience. If it doesn’t like a living nightmare that you’d do anything to end then I’ve failed to communicate the abyss that I know so well. 

I am reminded of something my dad told me around this time when I was feeling this awful. “You must learn to survive.” He was a practising GP at the time but obviously he wasn’t acting in a professional capacity. But he summed up the medical attitude to my suffering and the mentality you’ve been conditioned to believe in which is why you think assisted suicide is a crime. 

It is the mentality which you believe in which you think is care but is an expression of bare and blatant cruelty. The cruelty of the response “get used to it” as an expression of your compassion and care for those who suffer suicidal feelings is not genuine care. 

I felt so awful back then. But back then my suffering wasn’t enough for you and your kind. My pain is never enough for you. How sad is it to recognise that? 

So much pain for so many years but it’s never enough for you so guess what happened next? It gets worse. 

This should be impossible but it’s not because of what defines your kind. I should never suffer so much as I did eight years ago but these words and these words that describe my suffering are completely irrelevant to you. 

They were irrelevant way back then thus the impossible happened. What shouldn’t get worse got worse. My life became worse. My suffering became worse. 

Now you imagine what it feels like to be told that assisted suicide is the crime and you refuse to consider its legalisation.

What should never get worse has gotten worse. The only thing that could have saved me way back when I was going through what’s too cruel and too awful for anyone to endure is assisted suicide. But to this day you refuse to legalise assisted suicide. How sad is this? Do you really hate me so much?

Part 2 – too to do to anyone even if you hate me

I wrote this when I was absolutely sure I am hated. It’s the only way my suffering could be this bad.

I might be right about this. I still need to die and I still have to fight for my death because you hate me. However in retrospect there is another answer. You can’t care.

That’s one of the messages in the previous blog I wrote and sent to my MP. You don’t have the capacity or competence to be able to care. Least of all care about suicidal individuals.

Anyway, here’s what I wrote when I thought you hated me and that’s why you’re part of doing what’s too cruel to do to anyone to me. I’m also talking about hatred and punishment as two related concepts. I’m sure this is obvious.
—

You?A punishment with no hope of mercy. Punished by unlimited suffering. What did I do that this is my punishment? 

I have been deprived of my liberty to die. That’s the point of the criminalisation of assisted suicide. To force all suicidal individuals to live. It is implicit that the law makers believe my suffering should be unlimited.

I have been deprived of my liberty to end my suffering. But the monsters who call themselves the human race have decided that this cruelty isn’t enough for them. My suffering is never enough for them so they have turned living into a punishment. 

I have been deprived of my liberty but the monsters who call themselves the human race have not been denied theirs. They remain free and evil. They have forced me to live but they remain free to keep on hurting me and keep on making me want to die. So that’s what they do.

So I remain suicidal. Not for days and for months though such suffering is too cruel to do to anyone. My punishment stretches across further than a decade. 

I suffer so much that I need to die. I am forced to live to suffer more. I am deprived of my liberty to end my suffering – a goal which is priceless to me. But the monsters who call themselves the human race want to be free to keep on making me want to die. So I still need to die.

What did I do to deserve such a terrible punishment? My suffering is unlimited. Your cruelty is unlimited.

There is no justice in this punishment. There is no mercy. The end of my suffering is denied because assisted suicide is a crime. My suffering is unlimited because I’m denied my liberty to end my suffering by assisted suicide. My suffering is unlimited because I live amongst the monsters who call themselves the human race. I just need a little help but instead I am punished further for my cowardice and failing to kill myself. 

This happens in a country which no longer uses execution as a punishment. It’s deemed to be too cruel to do to anyone. No matter how much they’re hated and how many hate them no one fears the punishment of execution. It’s too cruel to do to anyone.

But something worse happens to me. The monsters who call themselves the human race know deep down it’s better to make the victim want to die than kill them. It’s a far better punishment to make living the punishment. Make the victim hope for death but don’t let them die. Force them to live and keep on making them want to die. Make living the punishment because that’s too cruel to do to anyone. They know this from the evil at their core.

They know the recipe to something this cruel. So what did I do to deserve such terrible punishment? I am denied the end of my suffering but the monsters who called themselves the human race are not denied their freedom to keep on making a suicidal individual want to die. 

My suffering is unlimited. This is only ever punishment and it is too cruel to do to anyone. What did I do that my punishment is this servere? I’m suicidal but this isn’t enough of my suffering for you. You deny me the hope only assisted suicide can fulfil. So my suffering is unlimited. 

What did I do that’s such a terrible crime so this is the punishment I deserve? I’m forced to live amongst monsters like you.

Surely no one’s suffering should be unlimited. Surely unlimited suffering is a choice which can’t be forced on anyone. It’s simply too cruel to do to anyone. What did I do to you to make you hate me so much that my punishment is so severe? It’s worse than death.

I beg for mercy.
Please let me die. Please help me die. For gods sake kill me. I can’t live amongst monsters like you. To force me to live anymore is a punishment too cruel to do to anyone. It doesn’t matter how much you hate me. My suffering should never be unlimited. 

But the monsters who call themselves the human race are really truly monsters. They know that if you really hate someone them the punishment be done without mercy or hope of mercy. That’s how they do what’s too cruel to do to anyone to me. And that’s why they’re so good at it. They’re truly deeply monsters.
—
Deprive me of my liberty to end your cruelty and my suffering. But you remain free and evil. Again, it makes perfect sense if you hate me because it’s the right recipe to do what’s too cruel to to do anyone. The criminalisation of assisted suicide plays a very large part in achieving what’s too cruel to do to anyone but so do the rest of the laws which relate to suicide and suicide individuals.

Your suicide laws are utterly devoid of compassion and mercy. Let me be kind and consider this to be the result of your utter heartlessness. If you could be humane and if you had a shred of humanity then surely you mist recognise that what’s a punishment too cruel to do to anyone no matter how much you hate me is still happening to me.

Consider that about a decade I was suffering more than anyone should. Consider that the state of suicidality I’ve inadequately described at the top of this piece was created after years of wanting to die. Then between then and now it has gotten worse.

By my standards it’s too cruel to do to anyone, too cruel to let happen and too cruel to force anyone to endure. Thus I hate the human race.

Consider this part of what’s too cruel to do to anyone: too cruel to force anyone to endure. This element is a clear and present evil. Now consider the rest of the suicide laws. The use of imprisonment is another clear and present evil that’s done to suicidal individuals. And the sole use of deprivation of liberty is its use on suicidal individuals. The monsters who call themselves the human race are not deprived of your liberty so you stay free and evil.

My suffering is unlimited. Your cruelty and evil isn’t. In fact the Mental Health Act legislates for further cruelty rather than defend and protect suicidal individuals from further cruelty. There is no mercy for suicidal individuals and that’s what the law says.

You care about my suffering like only monsters would do. Or you do what monsters would do to something like me because you hate me but what you do to me is too cruel to do to anyone. And you have the law on your side.

You can’t see the crime. I should never suffer so much. Never ever.

So why would I want to live amongst monsters like you?
—————————–

Other stuff

Part 3 – I need to die. You force me to live. Then it gets worse for a number of reasons. Consider this one. You make me want to die and you force me to live but you’re not deprived of your liberty and neither are doctors. This is what the suicide laws and mental health laws legislate for. My liberty is deprived but you remain free and evil. What shouldn’t get worse gets worse and that’s what the laws legislate for rather than against. Look at the extraordinary cruelty in the medico-legal framework like imprisonment and other uses of force and deprivation of liberty. Imprisonment in particular is used as punishment but the extra judicial medico-legal framework – I mean the set of laws which use imprisonment but aren’t part of the criminal justice system – is used on suicidal individuals and you call it care. “What’s in a name? A rose by any other would still smells as sweet.” The cruelty of imprisonment doesn’t change if you say it’s care. But if it’s an ordinary cruelty done to a suicidal individual it’s much worse. Unfortunately suicidal individuals don’t have the law on our side. So there’s no limit to your cruelty or my suffering. Shit. Didn’t anyone tell you that an ordinary cruelty and evil done to a suicidal individual is multiplied in the severity of the evil and cruelty? So it’s assisted suicide that’s the crime and not the cruelty of your doctors, your legal system and your species. That’s what you call care. What’s in a name? If you call it hatred and punishment then there’d be some protections like there are in the criminal justice system. But there’s just the deprivation of liberty used on suicidal individuals and only suicide to save suicidal individuals from the cruelty of doctors, the government, the legal system and the rest of your godforsaken species. If you do it out of hatred then you’d do better. But you think you can care so you make worse what should never get worse. That’s what your suicide laws and mental health laws legislate for – you aren’t deprived of your liberty to do everything and cruelty to a suicidal individual but you can do more. That’s your law. How sad is this? It gets even worse than all this because it’s assisted suicide that’s the crime.

You can’t tell the difference between care and cruelty. But if you think you hate me then perhaps you’d be closer to the truth.

Those who you force to live. This act alone is unconscionable. But you do this out of a sense of care. But those you force to live. It doesn’t matter what you do to us after you’ve forced us to live.

You’ve forced me to live but you remain free and evil. Any ordinary cruelty. Any further cruelty that’s done to a suicidal individual. Anymore suffering happening to someone you’ve forced to live. It doesn’t matter to you. It’s not important to you. Because you can ignore our suffering.

Isn’t this too cruel to do to anyone? But you make it worse. My suffering is unlimited. That’s what you want.

Safe from evil. Safe from cruelty. Not if I live. This is what your laws legislate for

It’s too cruel to do to anyone. Even if you hate me.

And still I fail

All these words here. I’m fighting for a lesser evil. I’m drawing a line but I’m fighting for a tiny little bit less evil.

The line is before you make anyone want to die. Deprive yourselves of your liberty to do evil and cruelty so you don’t make any conscious being want to die. This is the lesser evil that’s worth exactly what it’s worse. It’s closer to best humanity. But you have none.

Part 4 if the foundation is wrong. Ask any scientists

You’ve no power to determine if I live or die. All you have is the evil at your core. 

Part 3 – I need to die. You force me to live. Then it gets worse for a number of reasons. Consider this one. You make me want to die and you force me to live but you’re not deprived of your liberty and neither are doctors. This is what the suicide laws and mental health laws legislate for. My liberty is deprived but you remain free and evil. What shouldn’t get worse gets worse and that’s what the laws legislate for rather than against. Look at the extraordinary cruelty in the medico-legal framework like imprisonment and other uses of force and deprivation of liberty. Imprisonment in particular is used as punishment but the extra judicial medico-legal framework – I mean the set of laws which use imprisonment but aren’t part of the criminal justice system – is used on suicidal individuals and you call it care. “What’s in a name? A rose by any other would still smells as sweet.” The cruelty of imprisonment doesn’t change if you say it’s care. But if it’s an ordinary cruelty done to a suicidal individual it’s much worse. Unfortunately suicidal individuals don’t have the law on our side. So there’s no limit to your cruelty or my suffering. Shit. Didn’t anyone tell you that an ordinary cruelty and evil done to a suicidal individual is multiplied in the severity of the evil and cruelty? So it’s assisted suicide that’s the crime and not the cruelty of your doctors, your legal system and your species. That’s what you call care. What’s in a name? If you call it hatred and punishment then there’d be some protections like there are in the criminal justice system. But there’s just the deprivation of liberty used on suicidal individuals and only suicide to save suicidal individuals from the cruelty of doctors, the government, the legal system and the rest of your godforsaken species. If you do it out of hatred then you’d do better. But you think you can care so you make worse what should never get worse. That’s what your suicide laws and mental health laws legislate for – you aren’t deprived of your liberty to do everything and cruelty to a suicidal individual but you can do more. That’s your law. How sad is this? It gets even worse than all this because it’s assisted suicide that’s the crime.

You can’t stop hurting me until you make me want to die. This is an unacceptable standard for you. My suffering must be unlimited. You believe in this. You think this is defensible. All you do well is prove you’re truly evil and completely heartless. Why would I want to live amongst monsters like you. There is no question. 

In case computer programmers are truly evil. Born and bred. Version 7. Backup.

It never ends. Where do I begin? I’ve put so much thought into what I’ve written. But thus far I’ve failed. I’ve failed but I mustn’t. 

So here’s another attempt. Where do I begin? My pain must be front and centre. 

Too cruel to happen to anyone. My personal experiences. 

Here’s what I’ve been through. Here’s how I’ve felt. Imagine you know this feeling. 

The days turn into months and the months into years and all this time I want to die. But knowing that I want to die won’t get in the way of the evil and cruelty which defines the monsters who call themselves the human race. 

Every birthday is a painful reminder that I have failed to save myself. Every birthday is the opposite of celebrating that I’m still alive. Every new year is another year faced with dread because it’s another year I have to suffer and stay suicidal unless I kill myself. Even something which might be called “a good day” is tainted by the knowledge that the pain will never stop. Then there’s the times where there are no good days for years and I forget what a good day even feels like.

The pain never ends. So living becomes a punishment. You can’t even imagine how often I’ve thought that this might actually be hell itself rather than hell on Earth but neither is something that anyone should experience. But I am forced to endure all this because I live amongst monsters – just like what happens in hell. 

I suffer and I suffer more. The wounds in my psyche are many and there cuts upon cuts. But the pain doesn’t stop and neither does the cruelty of the monsters I am cursed to live amongst. The beatings just keep on going and what are small sufferings I experience as massive harms…do I need to explain what it’s like when someone keeps on beating you and beating you and pummels sore wounds? Then pokes the wounds which have received beating after beating already? 

My psyche is broken and bloodied and burned. But the monsters who call themselves the human race are not satisfied that they’ve done enough cruelty and evil to me. So you force me to live to keep on hurting me and making me want to die.

So I still need to die and I’m still suffering. To live one day of this nightmare is too brutal to do to anyone but it is not your humaneness that defines your species (no longer mine). That I am still suffering…that I still need to die…that should be impossible but it is your cruelty which defines you.

This is defensible? 

I could have been spared all of this but…it is your cruelty that defines you. At no point throughout all these hells was the most important concern that I’ve suffered enough or too much already. 

Even now you assert that I have not suffered enough. Not enough for you to grant me my death. My suffering is never enough for you. This is defensible? Of course it is. Your cruelty and evil is what defines your kind. 

Why would I want to live amongst monsters like you?

This is one of the many forms which suicidal suffering takes. This specific feeling is one I know all too well. 

I? This particular form of suicidal suffering I know so well is why in my previous attempts to make you care I’ve made reference to hell on Earth and torture as other ways to describe what’s happened and is still happening to me.

If only you had any empathy then none of this could be possible. If you had a shred of empathy then I’d never need to fight for any of the changes to the law that I’m failing to persuade you are completely necessary. But these changes are all absolutely necessary for those who suffer too much. 

More suffering? It should be impossible. 

If you don’t think all of this is too cruel for anyone to have to endure – even if it’s someone you hate – then I’ve failed to describe accurately how I felt about eight years ago. 

By any other name what I was going through was hell on Earth. The despair. The hopelessness. The desperation to end my life and the torture because of my cowardice. 

Imagine being happy in the hope that you’d die then imagine what you’d be feeling when you feel happy at the thought of your impending death? 

Then imagine all the suffering that makes me feel like this. Years and day after day being suicidal. So much pain. Oh God. So much pain.

The pain is the critical point. Even if I’m the worst person in the world what I was feeling eight years ago was something too awful for anyone to endure. 

Go back and reread the bit I’ve written above about my personal experience. If it doesn’t like a living nightmare that you’d do anything to end then I’ve failed to communicate the abyss that I know so well. 

I am reminded of something my dad told me around this time when I was feeling this awful. “You must learn to survive.” He was a practising GP at the time but obviously he wasn’t acting in a professional capacity. But he summed up the medical attitude to my suffering and the mentality you’ve been conditioned to believe in which is why you think assisted suicide is a crime. 

It is the mentality which you believe in which you think is care but is an expression of bare and blatant cruelty. The cruelty of the response “get used to it” as an expression of your compassion and care for those who suffer suicidal feelings is not genuine care. 

I felt so awful back then. But back then my suffering wasn’t enough for you and your kind. My pain is never enough for you. How sad is it to recognise that? 

So much pain for so many years but it’s never enough for you so guess what happened next? It gets worse. 

This should be impossible but it’s not because of what defines your kind. I should never suffer so much as I did eight years ago but these words and these words that describe my suffering are completely irrelevant to you. 

They were irrelevant way back then thus the impossible happened. What shouldn’t get worse got worse. My life became worse. My suffering became worse. 

Now you imagine what it feels like to be told that assisted suicide is the crime and you refuse to consider its legalisation. Then reread the main part of this blog.

Just look at the WordPress sub domain I’ve chosen for this blog.

1 day…? 1 month…? 1 year…? 1 decade…? My suffering is measured by your lack of empathy. You are devoid of empathy so my suffering is unlimited. 

This call for empathy was the theme of the first document I am wrote a few years ago about suicide and assisted suicide. In this document I suggested a month was a suitable maximum amount of time for which you can force anyone to live.

Is a month too short? I suggest you feel how I feel. Obviously if forced you to suffer what I’ve suffered then that would be a crime. I only suggest it.

It takes empathy or personal experience to recognise the hidden truths about suicide, the truths hidden by your belief in your doctors and the idea of mental illness. The idea of mental illness is not the path to cresting genuine care and I hope all that I’ve written to you is enough for you to recognise that nothing good comes from this lie.

The argument I’ve made before I’ll make again. It is too cruel to force anyone to live. This ideal of compassion must be tempered by considering the risks but what I believe must be the most important thing is to recognise that forcing anyone to live is too cruel to do to anyone. 

Forcing someone to suffer is a terrible thing to do. Forcing someone to endure suicidal feelings, forcing someone to live and stay suicidal, is something far worse because of the terrible nature and severity of the personal suffering. 

This is the truth created by genuine empathy. Forcing someone to live has far more in common with crime – the crimes that have already been defined as crimes – than assisted suicide does. 

There are other arguments such as how the rights of death are correlated with the rights of life which already exist or simply that quality of death is as important as quality of life. But these reasons – while valid – do not strike to the core of the truth.

The core of the truth is that forcing someone to live is an act which is too cruel to do to anyone. It is the truth that defines forcing someone to be suicidal is the real crime.

Go back up to the top of this piece and reread what I’ve written. That I feel like this is an experience which is too cruel to let happen. It should never get this bad as bad as I’ve tried to describe in the bit at the top of this piece. But to force me to endure it is beyond an accidental tragedy and is, I believe, a clear and present evil.

No one should be forced to endure suffering of such severity. That’s genuine care.

The practical question is the balance between your cruelty and need to control versus the individual’s suffering. It is a question of risk versus reward but you need empathy to truly understand the reward or the personal experience of suffering like I know.

These two questions are not about whether assisted suicide should be legal. There is no question. It must be legal because if it’s not then you who make it illegal are committing a heinous crime. 

Protections are necessary but the onus is the legalisation of assisted suicide. If it is not legal then you are a people, a species and leaders who believe that suffering should be unlimited. 

Unfortunately you don’t believe in this. I should suffer more. That’s what you believe in. 

Unfortunately you have no empathy. You don’t know that  any ordinary cruelty – and there are so many of these – when done to a suicidal individual is multiplied in the quantity of cruelty done. A cruelty which causes suffering when done to a suicidal individual is a far more terrible cruelty. I believe this is a truth but your suicide laws are thoughtless. 

Instead you believe in doing extra ordinary cruelty to suicidal individuals based on an extra judicial medico-legal framework which uses the protocol of imprisonment. And that’s what you call care because you have no empathy. 

You don’t see the cruelty because you believe in the idea of mental illness. But it is based on a lie and should never have existed. 

Again, I reiterate that there need to be protections because the decision to die carries great risks as well as great rewards. But this is the individual’s choice first and foremost. The rights of life and the rights of death are based on the same foundation. 

But more than that I must reiterate the absolute cruelty in the act of forcing someone to live. If you had a shred of empathy you’d understand why but you don’t have any and that’s why you can’t tell the difference between cruelty and care. You have no empathy and that’s why my suffering is never enough for you and there’s but one of the reasons I’ve suffered so much even after I’ve been forced to live.

Even if you hate me. Even if you try to care. You do something that’s too cruel to do to anyone. My suffering is unlimited. That’s your choice. You can’t do anything else. Even if you try to care. Even if you hate me. You can’t do anything else but evil. Unlimited suffering is evil.

Let me try to put this point how I think it should be spoken. 

You? A punishment with no hope of mercy. Punished by unlimited suffering. What did I do that this is my punishment? 

I have been deprived of my liberty to die. That’s the point of the criminalisation of assisted suicide. To force all suicidal individuals to live. It is implicit that the law makers believe my suffering should be unlimited.

I have been deprived of my liberty to end my suffering. But the monsters who call themselves the human race have decided that this cruelty isn’t enough for them. My suffering is never enough for them so they have turned living into a punishment. 

I have been deprived of my liberty but the monsters who call themselves the human race have not been denied theirs. They remain free and evil. They have forced me to live but they remain free to keep on hurting me and keep on making me want to die.

So I remain suicidal. Not for days and for months though such suffering is too cruel to do to anyone. My punishment stretches across further than a decade. 

I suffer so much that I need to die. I am forced to live to suffer more. I am deprived of my liberty to end my suffering – a goal which is priceless to me. But the monsters who call themselves the human race want to be free to keep on making me want to die. So I still need to die.

What did I do to deserve such a terrible punishment? My suffering is unlimited. Your cruelty is unlimited.

There is no justice in this punishment. There is no mercy. The end of my suffering is denied because assisted suicide is a crime. My suffering is unlimited because I’m denied my liberty to end my suffering by assisted suicide. I just need a little help but instead I am punished further for my cowardice and failing to kill myself. 

This happens in a country which no longer uses execution as a punishment. It’s deemed to be too cruel to do to anyone. No matter how much they’re hated and how many hate them no one fears the punishment of execution. It’s too cruel to do to anyone.

But something worse happens to me. It’s better to make the victim want to die than kill them. It’s a far better punishment. Make living the punishment. Make the victim hope for death but don’t let them die. Force them to live and keep on making them want to die.

You know this already. You know the recipe to something this cruel. So what did I do to deserve such terrible punishment? I am denied the end of my suffering but the monsters who called themselves the human race are not denied their freedom to keep on making a suicidal individual want to die. 

My suffering is unlimited. This is only ever punishment and it is too cruel to do to anyone. What did I do that my punishment is this servere? I’m suicidal but this isn’t enough of my suffering for you. You deny me the hope only assisted suicide can fulfil. So my suffering is unlimited. 

What did I do that’s such a terrible crime so this is the punishment I deserve? I’m forced to live amongst monsters like you.

Surely no one’s suffering should be unlimited. Surely unlimited suffering is a choice which can’t be forced on anyone. It’s simply too cruel to do to anyone. What did I do to you to make you hate me so much that my punishment is so severe? It’s worse than death.

Or is it not at all about me? What I assert in this blog is the truth about you. I suffer all this and more because of what you truly are.

https://likeyouhaventdoneenoughcrueltyalreadyihavetofightformydeath.wordpress.com/about/

Please let me die. Please help me die. For gods sake kill me. I can’t live amongst monsters like you. To force me to live anymore is a punishment too cruel to do to anyone. 

It doesn’t matter how much you hate me. My suffering should never be unlimited. 

Assisted suicide must be legal. Otherwise you’re forcing individuals to endure unlimited suffering. If you hate me. If you try to care. You can’t do anything else but what’s too cruel to do to anyone. Unlimited suffering is evil.

That’s the crime. Legislating for unlimited suffering is the real crime. Except in a civilisation of monsters. Only ever in a civilisation of monsters is assisted suicide the crime. 

As I’ve put this response together I’ve been suffering and speaking a mantra. It has many variations but it goes something like this. 

All because you’re truly evil. Born and bred. I’m still suffering. You’re still making me suffer. I still need to die. All because you’re truly evil. Born and bred. 

It explains it all. Why I’m still suffering. Why I’m still being hurt. Why I’m still feeling suicidal. Why I still need to die. 

All because you’re evil. Born and bred.

Version 6? – Even if you hate me. Unlimited suffering is too cruel to force on anyone. But even if you try to care. You can’t do anything else. You believe in unlimited suffering if you try to care. You can’t do anything else. All you have is evil at your core. If you hate me or if you try to care you can’t do anything else but what only monsters would do. That’s what defines the majesty of the injustice you do to suicidal individuals. If you hate me or if you try to care. You can’t do anything else but what only monsters would do. But unlimited suffering is too cruel to force anyone to endure. 

Where do I begin? I’ve put so much thought into what I’ve written. But thus far I’ve failed. I’ve failed but I mustn’t. 

So here’s another attempt. Where do I begin? My pain must be front and centre. 

Let me put a question front and centre. Think of it as you read this. 

I know what you can do to a suicidal individual. I know what you can’t do to a suicidal individual. So why would I want to live amongst monsters like you? 

I know this isn’t about me. How sad is that? But keep the message in the words above in mind. (Obviously not in heart. That’s impossible for your kind.) 

Too cruel to happen to anyone. My personal experiences. 

Here’s what I’ve been through. Here’s how I’ve felt. Imagine you know this feeling. 

The days turn into months and the months into years and all this time I want to die. But knowing that I want to die won’t get in the way of the evil and cruelty which defines the monsters who call themselves the human race. 

Every birthday is a painful reminder that I have failed to save myself. Every birthday is the opposite of celebrating that I’m still alive. Every new year is another year faced with dread because it’s another year I have to suffer and stay suicidal unless I kill myself. Even something which might be called “a good day” is tainted by the knowledge that the pain will never stop. Then there’s the times where there are no good days for years and I forget what a good day even feels like.

The pain never ends. So living becomes a punishment. You can’t even imagine how often I’ve thought that this might actually be hell itself rather than hell on Earth but neither is something that anyone should experience. But I am forced to endure all this because I live amongst monsters – just like what happens in hell. 

I suffer and I suffer more. The wounds in my psyche are many and there cuts upon cuts. But the pain doesn’t stop and neither does the cruelty of the monsters I am cursed to live amongst. The beatings just keep on going and what are small sufferings I experience as massive harms…do I need to explain what it’s like when someone keeps on beating you and beating you and pummels sore wounds? Then pokes the wounds which have received beating after beating already? 

My psyche is broken and bloodied and burned. But the monsters who call themselves the human race are not satisfied that they’ve done enough cruelty and evil to me. So you force me to live to keep on hurting me and making me want to die.

So I still need to die and I’m still suffering. To live one day of this nightmare is too brutal to do to anyone but it is not your humaneness that defines your species (no longer mine). That I am still suffering…that I still need to die…that should be impossible but it is your cruelty which defines you.

This is defensible? 

I could have been spared all of this but…it is your cruelty that defines you. At no point throughout all these hells was the most important concern that I’ve suffered enough or too much already. 

Even now you assert that I have not suffered enough. Not enough for you to grant me my death. My suffering is never enough for you. This is defensible? Of course it is. Your cruelty and evil is what defines your kind. 

Why would I want to live amongst monsters like you?

This is one of the many forms which suicidal suffering takes. This specific feeling is one I know all too well. 

I? This particular form of suicidal suffering I know so well is why in my previous attempts to make you care I’ve made reference to hell on Earth and torture as other ways to describe what’s happened and is still happening to me.

If only you had any empathy then none of this could be possible. If you had a shred of empathy then I’d never need to fight for any of the changes to the law that I’m failing to persuade you are completely necessary. But these changes are all absolutely necessary for those who suffer too much. 

More suffering? It should be impossible. 

If you don’t think all of this is too cruel for anyone to have to endure – even if it’s someone you hate – then I’ve failed to describe accurately how I felt about eight years ago. 

By any other name what I was going through was hell on Earth. The despair. The hopelessness. The desperation to end my life and the torture because of my cowardice. 

Imagine being happy in the hope that you’d die then imagine what you’d be feeling when you feel happy at the thought of your impending death? 

Then imagine all the suffering that makes me feel like this. Years and day after day being suicidal. So much pain. Oh God. So much pain.

The pain is the critical point. Even if I’m the worst person in the world what I was feeling eight years ago was something too awful for anyone to endure. 

Go back and reread the bit I’ve written above about my personal experience. If it doesn’t like a living nightmare that you’d do anything to end then I’ve failed to communicate the abyss that I know so well. 

I am reminded of something my dad told me around this time when I was feeling this awful. “You must learn to survive.” He was a practising GP at the time but obviously he wasn’t acting in a professional capacity. But he summed up the medical attitude to my suffering and the mentality you’ve been conditioned to believe in which is why you think assisted suicide is a crime. 

It is the mentality which you believe in which you think is care but is an expression of bare and blatant cruelty. The cruelty of the response “get used to it” as an expression of your compassion and care for those who suffer suicidal feelings is not genuine care. 

I felt so awful back then. But back then my suffering wasn’t enough for you and your kind. My pain is never enough for you. How sad is it to recognise that? 

So much pain for so many years but it’s never enough for you so guess what happened next? It gets worse. 

This should be impossible but it’s not because of what defines your kind. I should never suffer so much as I did eight years ago but these words and these words that describe my suffering are completely irrelevant to you. 

They were irrelevant way back then thus the impossible happened. What shouldn’t get worse got worse. My life became worse. My suffering became worse. 

Now you imagine what it feels like to be told that assisted suicide is the crime and you refuse to consider its legalisation. Then reread the main part of this blog.

Just look at the WordPress sub domain I’ve chosen for this blog.

1 day…? 1 month…? 1 year…? 1 decade…? My suffering is measured by your lack of empathy. You are devoid of empathy so my suffering is unlimited. 

This call for empathy was the theme of the first document I am wrote a few years ago about suicide and assisted suicide. In this document I suggested a month was a suitable maximum amount of time for which you can force anyone to live.

Is a month too short? I suggest you feel how I feel. Obviously if forced you to suffer what I’ve suffered then that would be a crime. I only suggest it.

It takes empathy or personal experience to recognise the hidden truths about suicide, the truths hidden by your belief in your doctors and the idea of mental illness. The idea of mental illness is not the path to cresting genuine care and I hope all that I’ve written to you is enough for you to recognise that nothing good comes from this lie.

The argument I’ve made before I’ll make again. It is too cruel to force anyone to live. This ideal of compassion must be tempered by considering the risks but what I believe must be the most important thing is to recognise that forcing anyone to live is too cruel to do to anyone. 

Forcing someone to suffer is a terrible thing to do. Forcing someone to endure suicidal feelings, forcing someone to live and stay suicidal, is something far worse because of the terrible nature and severity of the personal suffering. 

This is the truth created by genuine empathy. Forcing someone to live has far more in common with crime – the crimes that have already been defined as crimes – than assisted suicide does. 

There are other arguments such as how the rights of death are correlated with the rights of life which already exist or simply that quality of death is as important as quality of life. But these reasons – while valid – do not strike to the core of the truth.

The core of the truth is that forcing someone to live is an act which is too cruel to do to anyone. It is the truth that defines forcing someone to be suicidal is the real crime.

Go back up to the top of this piece and reread what I’ve written. That I feel like this is an experience which is too cruel to let happen. It should never get this bad as bad as I’ve tried to describe in the bit at the top of this piece. But to force me to endure it is beyond an accidental tragedy and is, I believe, a clear and present evil.

No one should be forced to endure suffering of such severity. That’s genuine care.

The practical question is the balance between your cruelty and need to control versus the individual’s suffering. It is a question of risk versus reward but you need empathy to truly understand the reward or the personal experience of suffering like I know.

These two questions are not about whether assisted suicide should be legal. There is no question. It must be legal because if it’s not then you who make it illegal are committing a heinous crime. 

Protections are necessary but the onus is the legalisation of assisted suicide. If it is not legal then you are a people, a species and leaders who believe that suffering should be unlimited. 

Unfortunately you don’t believe in this. I should suffer more. That’s what you believe in. 

Unfortunately you have no empathy. You don’t know that  any ordinary cruelty – and there are so many of these – when done to a suicidal individual is multiplied in the quantity of cruelty done. A cruelty which causes suffering when done to a suicidal individual is a far more terrible cruelty. I believe this is a truth but your suicide laws are thoughtless. 

Instead you believe in doing extra ordinary cruelty to suicidal individuals based on an extra judicial medico-legal framework which uses the protocol of imprisonment. And that’s what you call care because you have no empathy. 

You don’t see the cruelty because you believe in the idea of mental illness. But it is based on a lie and should never have existed. 

Again, I reiterate that there need to be protections because the decision to die carries great risks as well as great rewards. But this is the individual’s choice first and foremost. The rights of life and the rights of death are based on the same foundation. 

But more than that I must reiterate the absolute cruelty in the act of forcing someone to live. If you had a shred of empathy you’d understand why but you don’t have any and that’s why you can’t tell the difference between cruelty and care. You have no empathy and that’s why my suffering is never enough for you and there’s but one of the reasons I’ve suffered so much even after I’ve been forced to live.

Even if you hate me. Even if you try to care. You do something that’s too cruel to do to anyone. My suffering is unlimited. That’s your choice. You can’t do anything else. Even if you try to care. Even if you hate me. You can’t do anything else but evil. Unlimited suffering is evil.

Let me try to put this point how I think it should be spoken. 

You? A punishment with no hope of mercy. Punished by unlimited suffering. What did I do that this is my punishment? 

I have been deprived of my liberty to die. That’s the point of the criminalisation of assisted suicide. To force all suicidal individuals to live. It is implicit that the law makers believe my suffering should be unlimited.

I have been deprived of my liberty to end my suffering. But the monsters who call themselves the human race have decided that this cruelty isn’t enough for them. My suffering is never enough for them so they have turned living into a punishment. 

I have been deprived of my liberty but the monsters who call themselves the human race have not been denied theirs. They remain free and evil. They have forced me to live but they remain free to keep on hurting me and keep on making me want to die.

So I remain suicidal. Not for days and for months though such suffering is too cruel to do to anyone. My punishment stretches across further than a decade. 

I suffer so much that I need to die. I am forced to live to suffer more. I am deprived of my liberty to end my suffering – a goal which is priceless to me. But the monsters who call themselves the human race want to be free to keep on making me want to die. So I still need to die.

What did I do to deserve such a terrible punishment? My suffering is unlimited. Your cruelty is unlimited.

There is no justice in this punishment. There is no mercy. The end of my suffering is denied because assisted suicide is a crime. My suffering is unlimited because I’m denied my liberty to end my suffering by assisted suicide. I just need a little help but instead I am punished further for my cowardice and failing to kill myself. 

This happens in a country which no longer uses execution as a punishment. It’s deemed to be too cruel to do to anyone. No matter how much they’re hated and how many hate them no one fears the punishment of execution. It’s too cruel to do to anyone.

But something worse happens to me. It’s better to make the victim want to die than kill them. It’s a far better punishment. Make living the punishment. Make the victim hope for death but don’t let them die. Force them to live and keep on making them want to die.

You know this already. You know the recipe to something this cruel. So what did I do to deserve such terrible punishment? I am denied the end of my suffering but the monsters who called themselves the human race are not denied their freedom to keep on making a suicidal individual want to die. 

My suffering is unlimited. This is only ever punishment and it is too cruel to do to anyone. What did I do that my punishment is this servere? I’m suicidal but this isn’t enough of my suffering for you. You deny me the hope only assisted suicide can fulfil. So my suffering is unlimited. 

What did I do that’s such a terrible crime so this is the punishment I deserve? I’m forced to live amongst monsters like you.

Surely no one’s suffering should be unlimited. Surely unlimited suffering is a choice which can’t be forced on anyone. It’s simply too cruel to do to anyone. What did I do to you to make you hate me so much that my punishment is so severe? It’s worse than death.

Or is it not at all about me? What I assert in this blog is the truth about you. I suffer all this and more because of what you truly are.

https://likeyouhaventdoneenoughcrueltyalreadyihavetofightformydeath.wordpress.com/about/

Please let me die. Please help me die. For gods sake kill me. I can’t live amongst monsters like you. To force me to live anymore is a punishment too cruel to do to anyone. 

It doesn’t matter how much you hate me. My suffering should never be unlimited. 

Assisted suicide must be legal. Otherwise you’re forcing individuals to endure unlimited suffering. If you hate me. If you try to care. You can’t do anything else but what’s too cruel to do to anyone. Unlimited suffering is evil.

That’s the crime. Legislating for unlimited suffering is the real crime. Except in a civilisation of monsters. Only ever in a civilisation of monsters is assisted suicide the crime. 

As I’ve put this response together I’ve been suffering and speaking a mantra. It has many variations but it goes something like this. 

All because you’re truly evil. Born and bred. I’m still suffering. You’re still making me suffer. I still need to die. All because you’re truly evil. Born and bred. 

It explains it all. Why I’m still suffering. Why I’m still being hurt. Why I’m still feeling suicidal. Why I still need to die. 

All because you’re evil. Born and bred.

If you can’t end my suffering then you have to end my suffering. If you can’t end my suicidal feelings then you must end my suicidal feelings. 

I’m not going to explain these statements in the title. They’re obvious. They’re rudimentary. They’re as essential as assisted suicide. They’re why assisted suicide must be legal. 

Perhaps they’re just rudimentary to me. As rudimentary as the following statement I’ve written like a commandment. 

Give unto the children of others what you would give unto your own.

The above is about a leap towards equality which should have happened a long time ago. In fact it might be something that Jesus said but was determined to be too crazy at the time. So 2000 years later it’s a radical proposition. 

It seems all these things which seem basic to me are not basic to the monsters who call themselves the human race. 

Or perhaps it’s my fault? I’m so useless that I’m failing to communicate what’s absolutely obvious. These two things – the fight for equality with the possibility of a giant leap in two or three generations and the necessity of legal assisted suicide – are basic. These are good things which should already exist but I’m completely failing to persuade the government of these truths. 

I feel like I’m explaining why unbearable suffering is not okay and I’m failing. I feel like I’m explaining that unlimited suffering is not care but I’m failing. 

I feel like I’m explaining empathy. Perhaps this is where I’m going wrong. Perhaps not.

I know my suffering is never enough for you. What conclusion can I reach? This one. 

If you can’t stop being evil then…

1 month..3 months…3 years…a lifetime lived amongst the monsters who call themselves the human race. Too long. Because my suffering is never enough for you.

This is my response to your response. I’ve made several attempts to make a response to yours but I’m not happy with any of them. Not because they’re not enough. But because of what you are. 

(Please note I’m not arguing for what’s practical though I make occasional references to practicalities. I’m fight a battle I can’t win but I have to. So if you get confused by me mentioning practicalities and frankly necessary counts arguments then dismissing them like they’re worthless it’s not because I don’t think they’re irrelevant. It’s because I’m trying to fight for the imperative to legalise assisted (and so much other stuff in the other things I’ve written to you) and for what’s genuine care and against monsters.) 

Part 1

I know one thing though. My pain should be front and centre. So let’s make this about my pain and what you think isn’t enough. 

Imagine you know this feeling. 

The days turn into months and the months into years and all this time I want to die. But knowing that I want to die won’t get in the way of the evil and cruelty which defines the monsters who call themselves the human race. 

Every birthday is a painful reminder that I have failed to save myself. Every birthday is the opposite of celebrating that I’m still alive. Every new year is another year faced with dread because it’s another year I have to suffer and stay suicidal unless I kill myself. Even something which might be called “a good day” is tainted by the knowledge that the pain will never stop. Then there’s the times where there are no good days for years and I forget what a good day even feels like.

The pain never ends. So living becomes a punishment. You can’t even imagine how often I’ve thought that this might actually be hell itself rather than hell on Earth but neither is something that anyone should experience. But I am forced to endure all this because I live amongst monsters – just like what happens in hell. 

I suffer and I suffer more. The wounds in my psyche are many and there cuts upon cuts. But the pain doesn’t stop and neither does the cruelty of the monsters I am cursed to live amongst. The beatings just keep on going and what are small sufferings I experience as massive harms…do I need to explain what it’s like when someone keeps on beating you and beating you and pummels sore wounds? Then pokes the wounds which have received beating after beating already? 

My psyche is broken and bloodied and burned. But the monsters who call themselves the human race are not satisfied that they’ve done enough cruelty and evil to me. So you force me to live to keep on hurting me and making me want to die.

So I still need to die and I’m still suffering. To live one day of this nightmare is too brutal to do to anyone but it is not your humaneness that defines your species (no longer mine). That I am still suffering…that I still need to die…that should be impossible but it is your cruelty which defines you.

This is defensible? 

I could have been spared all of this but…it is your cruelty that defines you. At no point throughout all these hells was the most important concern that I’ve suffered enough or too much already. 

Even now you assert that I have not suffered enough. Not enough for you to grant me my death. My suffering is never enough for you. This is defensible? Of course it is. Your cruelty and evil is what defines your kind. 

Why would I want to live amongst monsters like you?

This is one of the many forms which suicidal suffering takes. This specific feeling is one I know all too well. 

This particular form of suicidal suffering I know so well is why in my previous attempts to make you care I’ve made reference to hell on Earth and torture as other ways to describe what’s happened and is still happening to me.

If only you had any empathy then none of this could be possible. If you had a shred of empathy then I’d never need to fight for any of the changes to the law that I’m failing to persuade you are completely necessary. But these changes are all absolutely necessary for those who suffer too much. 

How can I suffer so much? How can anyone suffer so much? You have only a shred of empathy. 

This call for empathy was the theme of the first document I am wrote a few years ago about suicide and assisted suicide. In this document I suggested a month was a suitable maximum amount of time for which you can force anyone to live.

Is a month too short? I suggest you feel how I feel. Obviously if forced you to suffer what I’ve suffered then that would be a crime. I only suggest it.

You don’t have the skills to understand me so you suggested I see my GP. You have no empathy so you suggested I see my GP – this is not unusual.
A GP is a doctor. Obviously. So their first recourse would be to suggest I take drugs to alter the chemical balance in my brain which you believe is why I feel like I feel. In recent years there’s more access to psychological therapies. Then there’s other things which are part of clinical guidelines but the main part is drugs and words. 

Drugs and words are the primary therapeutic responses of the medicalised suicide system, a system which you clearly believe in. When these fail then their response is something you believe in. Here’s a short summary below of the majesty of your evil.

Get used to it. Get used to being suicidal. Get used to feeling unbearable suffering.

You suggested I see my GP and this is what they have to offer once they have exhausted the paltry list of recommended and evidence based solutions to give me back my will to live. Let me make this about me. Here’s what you expect from me.

Get used to knowing that the monsters who call themselves the human race won’t stop their evil and cruelty after they make me want to die or when they know I want to die. In fact you’ll do more cruelty and evil.

Get used to knowing that the only way you can stop the monsters who call themselves the human race from hurting me or making me want to die is if I kill myself. 

Get used to unbearable suffering and unbearable quality of life. Get used to living amongst a species of monsters I detest. 

It’s what you expect. And this is all legal. If you want to keep on making me want to die then that’s legal. If you want to do whatever evil and cruelty you can think of doing to a suicidal individual who you’ve forced to live then that’s legal too. But for someone to make sure I die then that’s the crime. 

This is all what you believe in. That’s why you decided to suggest I see my GP. Am I wrong? Or did you suggest I see my GP because it would hurt me? Or perhaps you just forgot to remember why you’ve completely failed to do what’s humane (because you need psychiatry to exist to evoke a shred of compassion from your kind for those who need to die but the idea of mental illness is not a route to genuine empathy but a source of more cruelty, evil and injustice that’s done to suicidal individuals which couldnt exist anywhere else but in a civilisation of monsters)?

Perhaps. Perhaps not. Let me try to make my point regardless of your motives for suggesting I see my GP. 

All you do is not enough…no…sorry…my mistake…all I do is not enough. Not enough to persuade you that how I feel is too terrible to live. 

It’s a sad fact that my suffering is never enough for you. Scroll back to the top of this piece and reread the statement about how I feel. If reading this blog isn’t enough for you to know what’s unbearable. 

(Admittedly the present feelings of suicidal feelings I feel have reduced but I still feel them. The thoughts about suicide have not change. I know I need to die and I know why.)

You add to all that’s unbearable by refusing to change the law. The laws that failed to protect me are just like the government and the GPs who have failed to protect me.
All that I’ve suffered is never enough for you. How I feel is not OK so you think I should see a GP. 

HOW I FEEL IS NOT OKAY AND YOU SHOULD HELP ME DIE 

Back to the point I’m trying to make… 

How long should I suffer something as terrible as I feel? Once again I ask you to scroll back to the top of this piece and reread the statement of the suicidal suffering I face. 

How long would you want to feel like this? Or someone else you care about? 

If you could feel it then you’d know why a month is too long. Then you’d know what I know.

My suffering is too much. Too much for too long.

If only you had a heart. If only you could feel how I feel. You wouldn’t be telling me to see a GP. You’d be fighting for me and my protection. You’d be fighting to save me from the monsters who call themselves the human race. BY ANY MEANS NECESSARY. 

Even now I’m in pain. Even now I’m feeling what’s OK to you but not for me. If only you could care. But you think my suffering should be unlimited and that unlimited suffering is care because that’s what your doctors told you. 

Like I said before if I force you to endure what I’ve been through – again scroll back to the top of this piece and reread the bit about my suffering – then it’d be a crime. But if you go through it then you’ll know why “get used to it” is a wholly unacceptable response. You’ll understand why you can’t force anyone to go through it.

If you can’t limit my suffering then that’s why assisted suicide is necessary. Out of empathy. But to your kind my suffering and your suffering should be unlimited. This is the consequence of the criminalisation of assisted suicide. It’s acceptable to you because my suffering has never been enough for you. It’s acceptable to you because of the idea of mental illness and the existence of psychiatry. 

The idea of mental illness exists because you have no empathy (or sense of equality). But the existence of psychiatry has done very little to give you genuine empathy or a sense of equality from which empathy comes from.

Part 2 – my suffering is never enough for you so I must write more because my words are never enough for you to change your belief that my suffering is never enough for you

It takes empathy or personal experience to recognise the hidden truths about suicide, the truths hidden by your belief in your doctors and the idea of mental illness. The idea of mental illness is not the path to cresting genuine care and I hope all that I’ve written to you is enough for you to recognise that nothing good comes from this lie.

The argument I’ve made before I’ll make again. It is too cruel to force anyone to live. This ideal of compassion must be tempered by considering the risks but what I believe must be the most important thing is to recognise that forcing anyone to live is too cruel to do to anyone. 

Forcing someone to suffer is a terrible thing to do. Forcing someone to endure suicidal feelings, forcing someone to live and stay suicidal, is something far worse because of the terrible nature and severity of the personal suffering. 

This is the truth created by genuine empathy. Forcing someone to live has far more in common with crime – the crimes that have already been defined as crimes – than assisted suicide does. 

There are other arguments such as how the rights of death are correlated with the rights of life which already exist or simply that quality of death is as important as quality of death. But these reasons – while valid – do not strike to the core of the truth.

The core of the truth is that forcing someone to live is an act which is too cruel to do to anyone. It is the truth that defines forcing someone to be suicidal is the real crime.

Go back up to the top of this piece and reread what I’ve written. That I feel like this is an experience which is too cruel to let happen. It should never get this bad as bad as I’ve tried to describe in the bit at the top of this piece. But to force me to endure it is beyond an accidental tragedy and is, I believe, a clear and present evil.

No one should be forced to endure suffering of such severity. That’s genuine care.

The practical question is the balance between your cruelty and need to control versus the individual’s suffering. It is a question of risk versus reward but you need empathy to truly understand the reward or the personal experience of suffering like I know.

These two questions are not about whether assisted suicide should be legal. There is no question. It must be legal because if it’s not then you who make it illegal are committing a heinous crime. 

Protections are necessary but the onus is the legalisation of assisted suicide. If it is not legal then you are a people, a species and leaders who believe that suffering should be unlimited. 

Unfortunately you don’t believe in this. I should suffer more. That’s what you believe in. 

Unfortunately you have no empathy. You don’t know that  any ordinary cruelty – and there are so many of these – when done to a suicidal individual is multiplied in the quantity of cruelty done. A cruelty which causes suffering when done to a suicidal individual is a far more terrible cruelty. I believe this is a truth but your suicide laws are thoughtless. 

Instead you believe in doing extra ordinary cruelty to suicidal individuals based on an extra judicial medico-legal framework which uses the protocol of imprisonment. And that’s what you call care because you have no empathy. 

You don’t see the cruelty because you believe in the idea of mental illness. But it is based on a lie and should never have existed. 

Again, I reiterate that there need to be protections because the decision to die carries great risks as well as great rewards. But this is the individual’s choice first and foremost. The rights of life and the rights of death are based on the same foundation. 

But more than that I must reiterate the absolute cruelty in the act of forcing someone to live. If you had a shred of empathy you’d understand why but you don’t have any and that’s why you can’t tell the difference between cruelty and care. You have no empathy and that’s why my suffering is never enough for you and there’s but one of the reasons I’ve suffered so much even after I’ve been forced to live.

Part 3 – still not enough so I have to use some analogies to reinforce my point 

Let’s start with divorce. Imagine you’re a wife whose husband is beating you. But divorce isn’t legal. Should you stay married? The beatings might stop. More importantly think of the children. And also how can you live without a husband to work and provide for you? You have to get used to it because your liberty and your suffering doesn’t matter. 

Let’s think of slavery. The slave masters look after the slaves and the slaves need to be cared for. A biological difference makes slaves sub human just like the idea of mental illness. Liberty and equality don’t matter because slaves are dehumanised because of their biological difference. In fact a doctor even came up with the idea that black skin is the product of a disease called negritude. 

Let’s think of when torture is an acceptable method to use to achieve whatever the monsters who call themselves the human race want to get from their victims. This is what this piece us all about. But you don’t call it torture. You call it care and you recommend I see a GP because they deal with illnesses – biological differences. The suffering of a suicidal individual is never enough for you. My suffering is never enough for you. You’d rather have me suffer unbearably than give me my death. You’d rather keep me suffering so you get what you want than give me my death.

After all I’ve said you want my suffering to be unlimited. You are forcing me to suffer because you will not let me die. 

Because my suffering is never enough for you. Because you have no empathy. Because you believe in the idea of mental illness and that’s what you think is care. 

It’s your evil and cruelty that defines you. Because you’re monsters. 

Part 4 conclusion 

Everything I’ve said is based on the suffering I know which is too much for anyone to endure. Everything I’m fighting for is based on the recognition of the truth of what’s worse than death. 

I’M NOT A VESSEL THAT’S HERE TO BE FILLED WITH INFINITE SUFFERING. 

But no one told you this truth. If you suffer more and more – and I suggest you do – then you’ll know this truth. (But if I force you suffer this then it’s a crime. Obviously.) 

That’s what you need though isn’t it? I have to fight for you to recognise this basic and absolute truth.

If you had any empathy then I’d never need to fight.

I have suffered more than could ever be possible anywhere except in a civilisation of monsters. But you believe my suffering should be unlimited and that’s what you call care. Irrespective of the basic and absolute truth I’ve put in caps. Because you are monsters. My suffering is never enough for you.

You can’t force anyone to live and never stop. You can’t force anyone to live without the promise that you will give them protection from further cruelty and evil. You can’t force anyone to live without a commitment to make right this wrong. You can’t force anyone to live without the promise that all else will be done with their consent and by any means necessary to recover something so precious as a conscious being’s will to live. And eventually you can’t force anyone to live at all. You can’t force anyone to live and not recognise the cruelty of this act. But you don’t know what is cruelty and what is care. My tragedies are so awful because of this fact: you can’t care. You’re too evil to be able to care. That’s why you need religion. That’s why you need psychiatry. And that’s why you need Time to Change. (sent to my MP) 

You? You’re so good at making me want to die. You’re no good at making me want to live. So why would you force me to live? Because you care? No. All because you’re evil. The devil’s greatest trick is making you think you can care. You create and perpetuate hell on Earth if you try to care. (sent to my MP) 

3 response to my MP – You have failed to protect me. I need suicide to achieve what’s important to me and I’m willing to achieve by any means necessary. I still need to live but I am a slave to your cruelty. I need protection from you. (not sent)

It is abundantly clear that when your kind want me to suffer then nothing can get in the way. No law. No heart. Not even knowing that I want to die.

Can you understand why I need to die? You won’t protect me. You’ve thoroughly failed to give me the protections I need. But the protections I need are fundamentally protections against your evil and cruelty. 

The fact that I still need to die is evidence of the protection I need against your evil and cruelty. No amount of my suffering is ever enough for you to give me mercy, the mercy which assisted suicide represents.

It is this cruelty and evil that you get right. Not your compassion. Not your humanity. Not your humaneness. So I suffer all the more. 

I am unequivocal I this statement 

I have suffered more than any should 

But it is your cruelty and evil that define you. You force me to live but you won’t stop making me want to die. You’ve failed to recover my will to live but this failure is of no consequence so you expect me to get used to being suicidal. You won’t even let the fact that I want to die get in the way of your evil and cruelty. 

But you remain unequivocal in determining that the law is right and I must continue to be denied my death. 

Your kind have utterly failed to provide me with even the most basic protections such as stopping your cruelty and evil – whatever is in your power – once I’m suicidal. You don’t think such protections are necessary just as you don’t think the protection which assisted suicide provides are necessary. 

But can you really ask me to live after all I’ve suffered on your watch? Of course you can’t. But it is your evil and cruelty which defines your kind. It’s another reason to die. I need assisted suicide to protect me from you.

I might have wanted not to live and not wanted to die. But I live amongst monsters like you. Of course I need to die.

How do I know you’re monsters? In so many ways. Here’s one. 

You expect suicidal individuals to get used to being suicidal. That’s what you call care. 

There are so many other reasons but isn’t this one enough? What you think is care is what could only happen to suicidal individuals only in a civilisation of monsters. A civilisation of monsters that needs the institution of psychiatry and the idea of mental illness to exist to even have an iota of compassion. 

You need to believe in the lie that misery is a mental illness called depression. That’s what you need to be able to care at all. You need to believe that suicidal feelings are the meaningless product of a brain defect to be able to care. 

It’s the devil’s greatest trick to make you think you can care. So in the name of care you create hell on Earth. That’s what you’ve done to me and you can’t even imagine how often I fear this is actually hell than hell on Earth. Let alone care. Genuinely care. 

All these hells…all these pains I know… You’re a leader. It all happens on your watch. What’s too cruel to do to anyone is still happening to me. Because of what’s important to you.

Second attempt at a second response to my MP (not yet sent) (needs review) 

You have stated unequivocally that you refuse to legalise assisted suicide. 

Let me try again. 

I’ve been working on some responses. 

I? It is the idea that anyone could suffer as much as I have but it’s never enough for you that is but one of the things which demonstrate so clearly that all you have is evil at your core.

Here are what I think are what’s important when it comes to the legalisation of assisted suicide. 

  • Unbearable suffering and unbearable suffering are not okay. This is the tip of the spear for the legalisation of assisted suicide 
  • It is bare and blatant cruelty to force anyone to endure what’s unbearable. It is cruel to deny anyone the hope of a good death and their freedom to choose. This is the blade of the spear. 
  • Suicide is a legitimate choice. This is the shaft of the spear. The rights of death are as important as the rights of life.
  • If you feel how I feel you would kill yourself. Of this I have no doubt. 

I have repeatedly tried to persuade the monsters who call themselves the human race – those who read what I write – of the legitimacy of the decision to die and the necessity of the act of suicide. I have failed. 
Just as my failed suicide attempts have left me vulnerable to the abundant cruelty and evil of the monsters who call themselves the human race my failed attempts to persuade you to legalise assisted suicide have left me vulnerable to this curse too.

Your competency 

In this blog I have questioned your competency to make the decision to force me to live. (You can question my competency in the style of this blog I wrote and the choice to be authentic to how I feel when it’s abundantly clear that you don’t give a damn about how I feel. Not even when I want to die. But if you don’t care about how I feel not even when I want to die then what competence do you have? Only in the cruelty and evil you do.)

Obviously your competency is not in suicide issues. You have other people who give you information and your competence is to make determinations from the information you’re provided with. (I must point out that very little of anything I’ve sent to you is derived from intelligence. It is basic information about the needs of conscious beings.) 

Nonetheless if you read through all I’ve written and have sent to you I am fighting for a lot of things which don’t exist yet. I admit I’m not up to date on what’s happening now but certainly a decade ago the things I’ve written to you about didn’t exist. 

In fact it was about ten years ago when I first wrote to you about clinical guidelines for schizophrenia which were published and revised my NICE. Since that point and before I’ve suffered so much even after I’ve been forced to live and denied my death.

I think one of the major elements of my tragedies and these hells is that you – as a species – do not understand something like me. Let me be clear. I am a thing to you. Only a thing is expected to be a vessel which can be filled with infinite suffering. You do not regard me as a conscious being who has a limit to what I can endure. (This is abundantly clear from the suicide system and suicide laws which exist right now and that I have to fight against not just for the legalisation of assisted suicide but for other simple things like protection from further evil and cruelty done to suicidal individuals like me.)

You have failed to understand me and you have failed to recover my will to live. You lack the competence. Yet you continue to make decisions about me which force me to suffer. You keep on making me want to die. Even today. I wish I could kill myself. 

I’m not the only one who knows these tragedies. You do not understand me. You can’t make me want to live.

FOR F***S SAKE KILL ME 

Now that I’ve got this out of the way let me continue. 

You’ve failed to understand me and you’ve failed to recover my will to live because I’m a thing to you, not a conscious being. I’m a thing you can’t understand because of a monumental mistake: the creation of psychiatry and the psychiatric asylum system as well as the subsequent medico-legal framework. Also I’m a slave to your cruelty because of this.

You do not understand me because you’ve failed to gain this competence. You’ve failed to recover my will to live also because you never gained the competence. A large part of this failure I believe is down to the creation of psychiatry and the dehunanisation which is fundamental to the concepts of psychiatry. 

It is a failure due to lack of care for the truth and lack of care for equality and lack of care for so many other things which really matter. (It’s worth nothing that these monumental failures did have one effect which leaves ‘normal’ people to be free…and evil. I’ll expand on this later on.) 

What should never have happened did happen because of a pervasive lack of care. This started with the imprisonment of vast swathes of psychodiversity in the asylum system which became the psychiatric asylum system. The mad, the miserable and many other natural forms of psychodiversity disappeared from civilisation into the confines of what are nothing less than prisons if you care about the truth. The crime? Being too different. 

At this point you might think I’m rambling on but please bear with me. Because 

FOR F***S KILL ME 

There…now that I’ve got this out of the way let me continue. This is all about how I am a slave to your cruelty. Because you are too evil to be able to genuinely care. (You couldn’t care way back when and you can’t care now.)

One of them which is absolutely critical is w

It is cruelty and evil that defines you. My liberty to die has been taken from me but there has been no attempt to limit the cruelty and evil you do to this suicidal individual or any other.

You have made it absolutely clear that you do not care about my suffering. Can you even begin to imagine what it’s like? The days turn into months and the months into years and all this time I want to die. But knowing that I want to die won’t get in the way of the evil and cruelty which defines the monsters who call themselves the human race. 

Every birthday is a painful reminder that I have failed to save myself. Every new year is another year faces with dread because it’s another year I have to suffer and stay suicidal. Even something which might be called “a good day” is tainted by the knowledge that the pain will never stop. Then there’s the times where there are no good days for years and I forget what a good day even feels like.

The pain never ends. So living becomes a punishment. You can’t even imagine how often I’ve thought that this might actually be hell itself rather than hell on Earth but neither is something that anyone should experience. But I am forced to endure All this because I live amongst monsters – just like what happens in hell. 

I suffer and I suffer more. The wounds in my psyche are many and there cuts upon cuts. But the pain doesn’t stop and neither does the cruelty of the monsters I am cursed to live amongst. The beatings just keep on going and what are small sufferings I experience as massive harms…do I need to explain what it’s like when someone keeps on beating you and beating you and pummels sore wounds? 

My psyche is broken and bloodied and burned. But the monsters who call themselves the human race are not satisfied that they’ve done enough cruelty and evil to me. So you force me to live to keep on hurting me and making me want to die.

So I still need to die and I’m still suffering. To live one day of this nightmare is too brutal to do to anyone but it is not your humaneness that defines your species (no longer mine). That I am still suffering…that I still need to die…that should be impossible but it is your cruelty which defines you.

I have asked so many questions of you like

How long is too many days to force someone to live? How long is too long for anyone to be suicidal? 

Or simply 

Why would I want to live amongst monsters like you?

But there’s no need to reply because it is your cruelty and evil that defines you. So I suffer all the more. More than could ever be possible except in a civilisation of monsters. 

There is so much about my life I would choose not to experience. So much that not only do I wish I’d died. I wish I was never born. You expect me to be strong but I am weak.

I have experienced things that no one should experience. I have experienced suffering more than anyone should know. I endured more of what is unendurable than anyone should. But you can’t even hear my screams let alone let your humanity define you.

The government cannot force me to live anymore. I must no longer be a slave to your cruelty. I must die. 

You have taken too much from me already. You have been part of this and you have let this continue. Give me back what’s mine. I choose to die and I deserve the help I need to take what’s mine to take. 

PS

It is a legitimate choice to determine what I don’t experience. 

Unfortunately I live amongst the monsters who call themselves the human race. It is not their humaneness or basic humanity which defines you.

If you think my continued suffering is acceptable then do it to someone you care about. If it’s acceptable to you then you need to suffer more. So do your children because the truth of my suffering must be felt for your kind to be able to care. Nothing else will work as you keep on proving. 

Same reason I need to die. Same reason you force me to live and assisted suicide is a crime

Being what I am…being the part of diversity I represent…is a curse. Part of me wishes this on no one but the greater part of me wishes it on everyone. The greater part is the part that recognises that so much of the curse of living and being what I am was avoidable but for the innate evil of the monsters who call themselves human race. Because making me want to die wasn’t enough to satiate your appetites for evil and cruelty. 

I am still fighting against this evil. Truly I am a slave to your evil and cruelty. Had I known what I had to face I’d advise my younger self to make sure he killed himself. I feel like this and I wish I was never born.

But if you cared about truth and equality then I might not have to fight for my liberty to die now.

From equality comes empathy but to this day you are not acting out of empathy. I have no doubt that if you feel how I feel then you’d kill yourself. 

I am cursed because of what I am. I am cursed to suffer greatly. I am cursed to know despair and hopelessness more than any man. Because my suffering has never been enough for you.

You expect me to be strong but I am weak. Even when you know I want to die it will not get in the way of your evil. Even once I’ve suffered too much you want me to suffer more. Even when I’m ready to die to end my suffering you would force me to live and you are free to keep on making me suffer. 

It’s been decades of this cruelty I endure. Such is the majesty of the evil you do to me. And it’s clear that you’re free to do it. 

It is clear what is important to you. I have asked this question and you have given me no answer. 

Why would I want to live amongst monsters like you? 

But it’s not about me is it? You might not want me to die. That’s natural. But to force me to live is entirely unacceptable. 

Thus I remain a slave to your cruelty. And again I ask this question. 

Why would I want to live amongst monsters like you? 

But it seems what’s important for you is to get whatever you want from me by any means necessary no matter how cruel and evil they are. 

The same reasons I need to die are the same reasons you force me to live and deny me what’s mine.

You can inspire me to live. You can ask me to live. You can persuade me to live. You can move heaven and earth to make me want to live. But you can’t force me to live. But all you’re good at is making me want to die.

Quick response to my MP I just sent 

Thanks for your reply but not for your cruelty. But at least you know a little bit about how I feel. 

I fight for what’s mine. How sad is that? That I have to fight for what’s mine.

It is my life and it is my death. We hold these truths to be self evident. 

But you do not care about the truth. You do not care about equality. You can’t stand to see me free to end my suffering. You do not care about me.

Thus I am a slave to your cruelty. You have so much tenacity when you’re making this true. But it is indefensible. 

I will provide you a fuller response in time.

I wish I could curl up and die; another day in hell. (The response from my MP) 

I plucked up the courage today to read the response from my MP to this blog. Here it is.

Even as I write this the monsters are trying to make me want to die. That’s all they can do and do well.

Anyway, reading it made me so unhappy. I just wanted to curl up and die. She’s chosen to keep me suffering. So now I need to come up with a response. 

My initial thoughts were to respond with hostility, cruelty and spite. But I’ve already stated the obvious. 

The same reason I need to die is the same reason you force me to live. All because you’re evil. You want me to suffer. 

So I’m not going to say that. That’s probably not the right thing to do so I might change me mind on this.

In fact I’m a little impressed that she read it. After all, it contains my feelings. It hurt me to read the truth of the heartlessness of the monsters who call themselves the human race. I knew it already but to see it in print once again made me feel awful. But who wouldn’t when you’re being told that you have to keep on suffering and the monsters who call themselves the human race won’t stop being evil or stop doing evil to you? 

I thought I could perhaps explain that she’s chosen to be the arbiter of my suffering thus she has made me a slave. But I’m not sure she’d understand the point I’m trying to make. 

Perhaps that’s my own failure. I’m so inept that I can’t persuade anyone of the simplest compassion. I am the arbiter of my suffering. Or the simple statement of freedom: it is my death.

Nonetheless I must keep on going. My death is too important to me as is the hope it fulfils. Suicide is so good after all.

So I’m thinking my first response goes something like

You know a little bit of how I feel. Would you want to live if you feel like I do?

You know a little bit about how I feel. What do you think the NHS can do?

Then there are other options. I’m not sure these are the right ones though.

My life is not mine. You choose to keep me suicidal. 

Or

So the most important thing for you is that I don’t make a fatal mistake? But it’s not a mistake for your kind to keep on making me want to die? 

Or 

You couldn’t keep the hells away from me. So what capacity do you have to understand suffering? 

Or

Don’t you understand? So much of my pain was avoidable but for the innate cruelty and evil in the monsters who call themselves the human race. So why would I want to live amongst monsters like you? 

Or

But you can’t stop making me want to die. It’s obvious what’s important to you, Evil Evil Evil. Evil Evil Evil – by name and by nature. 

Or

Your decision is to force me to suffer. But that’s not a crime. Because you’re truly evil. You define yourselves every single day.

Or

It’s your choice not to get in the way of your King’s cruelty. It’s your choice to reinforce it.

What’s the right response to someone who wants you to be suicidal? Someone who wants you to suffer without any hope of mercy? Someone who wants to ensure your suffering is unlimited? 

You are every reason why suicide is good. 

It’s better not to be born than be born too different. Not least because assisted suicide is a crime in this this civilisation of monsters. The monsters believe suffering should be unlimited so it’s better to never be born at all.

I? What happens if a child is born to suffer greatly? Not because there’s something wrong with the child but because of the cruelty of the people they’re born to live amongst and the evil of the civilisation they live in. There is no question. I don’t need to imagine what happens. I still need to die.

A message to the Money and Mental Health Institute 

You? How much is your will to live worth? How much money would you accept for you to become suicidal? 

I’m sure you’re used to believing that the only form of suicide prevention is designed to stop suicidal individuals from killing themselves. This is the most evil form of suicide prevention when assisted is a crime rather than right.

The question about how much your will to live is worth is fundamental to a humane sort of suicide prevention: to prevent people from becoming suicidal. If I could make you want to die and keep on making you want to die then how much would I need to pay you so I can do this to you?

Money is a big factor in a civilisation of monsters. It’s also a factor in making people suicidal. The fact is that in a civilisation of monsters profit and GDP are more important than the protection of every individuals’ will to live. 

At the moment there is zero effort put into protecting people from becoming suicidal. Not because it’s too difficult. Because it’s unimportant. At the moment the answer to “how much is your will to live worth” is “not a penny” because, clearly, this is a civilisation of monsters.

I’m sure that money can buy happiness but obviously this isn’t true for me. I am certain that this is relevant for other suicidal individuals though. Those who aren’t like me. I am not human. Not even half human. Here I’m talking about what happens after someone becomes suicidal. You’ve worked towards breathing space but what about the concept of buying back someone’s will to live.

Again and again these are obvious things which need to be done. They’re humane things. What defines the human race though is your cruelty and evil. Not your humanity. Not your humaneness. 

Start somewhere though. How much would I need to pay you so I can make you want to die and keep on making you want to die? How much is your will to live worth.

You? No one told you what’s too inhumane to do to someone who wants to do. But you’re born evil. So you do need to be told. Otherwise you have to rely on what you have at your core. I don’t need to imagine what happens when all you have is evil at your core. You prove it every single day. You are monsters after all.

So evil are you…You never developed any real skills at making suicidal individuals want to live because you never really tried. Because there’s no cost of failure. But you make it worse like you’re born evil. That’s why assisted suicide should never be a crime. But you’re born evil. So it is. 

For Dignity in Dying 

Hello

I’ve written another blog. This time it’s aimed at the Ministry of Justice. It is written with some authenticity to how I feel but it is also written with the respect I have for the truth and first principles like the other things I’ve written before and sent to you.

I’ve written to you before about your limited scope and lack of vision. You’ve told me that you are fighting solely for the legalisation of assisted suicide for the terminally ill. I disagree with this limited scope on every level. 

I am an individual. I am unfunded and unsupported. This gives me the privilege to fight for what I believe in. My approach is completely different to yours.

I’m writing and fighting for my death. But I’m also fighting for everyone who needs to die. And I go further and fight for a better suicide system too.

I keep on failing to achieve my objectives. You might think this is because my mission is not limited in its scope like yours is. Or perhaps it’s just because I’m one man. I believe I fail because so few individuals can stand to see me free to end my suffering. Perhaps less than a few?

But the legalisation of assisted suicide is not something that stands on its own. The reasons why it must be legalised are the same reasons why so much more must be done for suicidal individuals. You fight for one goal. I believe you should fight for more. Nonetheless it’s as important for me to succeed as it is for you to succeed. 

Anyway, here’s the blog.

https://likeyouhaventdoneenoughcrueltyalreadyihavetofightformydeath.wordpress.com/about/