Response to my MP v8

It never ends. Part 1 Life shouldn’t be this bad. But you’re too evil to be able to care. So it gets worse. 

Where do I begin? I’ve put so much thought into what I’ve written. But thus far I’ve failed. So here’s another attempt. 

Where do I begin? My pain must be front and centre. 

So much of my suffering was avoidable but it’s not avoidable because what defines the monsters who call themselves the human race is your cruelty and evil. Keep this in mind as you read all I write. 

Too cruel to happen to anyone. My personal experiences. 

Here’s a description of what I’ve been through. Here’s how I’ve felt. Imagine you know this feeling. This is how I felt seven or eight years ago. Let’s call it a decade ago that I felt this awful.

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The days turn into months and the months into years and all this time I want to die. But knowing that I want to die won’t get in the way of the evil and cruelty which defines the monsters who call themselves the human race. 

Every birthday is a painful reminder that I have failed to save myself. Every birthday is the opposite of celebrating that I’m still alive. Every new year is another year faced with dread because it’s another year I have to suffer and stay suicidal unless I kill myself. Even something which might be called “a good day” is tainted by the knowledge that the pain will never stop. Then there’s the times where there are no good days for years and I forget what a good day even feels like.

The pain never ends. So living becomes a punishment. You can’t even imagine how often I’ve thought that this might actually be hell itself rather than hell on Earth but neither is something that anyone should experience. But I am forced to endure all this because I live amongst monsters – just like what happens in hell. 

I suffer and I suffer more. The wounds in my psyche are many and there cuts upon cuts. But the pain doesn’t stop and neither does the cruelty of the monsters I am cursed to live amongst. The beatings just keep on going and what are small sufferings I experience as massive harms…do I need to explain what it’s like when someone keeps on beating you and beating you and pummels sore wounds? Then pokes the wounds which have received beating after beating already? 

My psyche is broken and bloodied and burned. But the monsters who call themselves the human race are not satisfied that they’ve done enough cruelty and evil to me. So you force me to live to keep on hurting me and making me want to die.

So I still need to die and I’m still suffering. To live one day of this nightmare is too brutal to do to anyone but it is not your humaneness that defines your species (no longer mine). That I am still suffering…that I still need to die…that should be impossible but it is your cruelty which defines you.

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I could have been spared all of this but it is your cruelty that defines you. At no point throughout all these hells was the most important concern that I’ve suffered enough or too much already. 

Even now you assert that I have not suffered enough. Not enough for you to grant me my death. My suffering is never enough for you. This is defensible? No. But it is your cruelty and evil that defines your kind.

How is my suffering never enough? 

What I’ve described above is one of the many forms which suicidal suffering takes. This specific feeling is one I know all too well. 

This particular form of suicidal suffering I know so well is why in my previous attempts to make you care I’ve made reference to hell on Earth and torture as other ways to describe what’s happened and is still happening to me.

If only you had any empathy back then none of this extreme suffering upon extreme suffering could be possible. If you had a shred of empathy then I’d never need to fight for any of the changes to the law and the suicide system that I’m failing to persuade you are completely necessary. But these changes are all absolutely necessary for those who suffer too much and for those who don’t want to become suicidal. 

More suffering? It should be impossible. More suffering than what I was experiencing a decade ago should be impossible for you to bear. But it’s not enough back then and it’s not enough now after all I’ve suffered since then and now.

The despair. The hopelessness. The desperation to end my life and the torture because of my cowardice when I failed to save myself by killing myself. It’s too cruel for anyone to endure. But you force me to endure even more. 

Imagine being happy in the hope that you’d die? Then imagine all the suffering that makes me feel like this. Years and day after day of being suicidal. So much pain. Oh God. So much pain. I don’t need to imagine. 

The pain is the critical point. It’s the point you’ve failed to understand. This is clear throughout your suicide system and suicide laws as well as suicide policy and practice in this civilisation of monsters. 

Reread the bit I’ve written above about my personal experience. If it doesn’t like a living nightmare that you’d do anything to end then I’ve failed to communicate the abyss that I know so well. It’s worse than death. That should be all you need to know to understand my pain and why I need to die. 

But my suffering is never enough for you so I must get used to it. It is this mentality which you believe in and which you think is care but is an expression of bare and blatant cruelty. The cruelty of the response “get used to it” as an expression of your compassion and care for those who suffer suicidal feelings is exactly what it is. Cruelty. That’s the implicit choice you make when you criminalise assisted suicide. You force suicidal individuals to get used to being suicidal. How sad is it to recognise that? 

So much pain for so many years was what made me feel how I felt a decade ago. But it’s never enough for you so guess what happened next? It got worse.

This should be impossible but it’s not because of what defines your kind. I should never suffer so much as I did a decade ago but my suffering is never enough for those who are the arbiters of my suffering and the end of my suffering. Then what should never get worse got worse. 

So I stand here today and I’m still fighting for my salvation. And you’re still proving that my suffering is never enough for you. You continue to believe that my choice to die is completely irrelevant. You still believe assisted suicide is the crime and you refuse to consider its legalisation. 

What should never get worse has gotten worse. The only thing that could have saved me way back when I was going through what’s too cruel and too awful for anyone to endure is assisted suicide. But to this day you refuse to legalise assisted suicide. 

Do you really hate me so much? You’ve perfected evil by forcing me to live. You have denied me my death then you’ve perfected evil. You couldn’t do it any other way. 

Do you hate me so much? Or do you perfect evil because you care? 

Because unlimited suffering is evil these are valid questions. I couldn’t limit my suffering a decade ago. Then it got even worse. Do you hate me so much that you want to perfect evil by the things your kind do to this suicidal individual? 

(If you don’t already know that unlimited suffering is evil then I suggest you suffer more. Of course if I forced you to live to endure the suffering I’ve been through after I’ve been forced to live then it’d be a crime but only a crime by my standards. How sad is this?) 

Part 2 – too cruel to do to anyone even if you hate me

I wrote this piece below when I was absolutely sure I am hated. It’s the only way my suffering could be this bad.  However in retrospect there is another answer. You can’t care. 

That’s one of the messages in the previous blog I’ve written. You don’t have the capacity or competence to be able to care about suicidal feelings. But what if you do it because you hate me? 

(Note I’m flipping between “you” and “they”) 

Anyway, here’s what I wrote. (I’m talking about hatred and punishment as two related concepts.)

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A punishment with no hope of mercy. Punished by unlimited suffering. What did I do that this is my punishment? 

I have been deprived of my liberty to die. That’s the point of the criminalisation of assisted suicide. To force all suicidal individuals to live. It is implicit that the law makers believe my suffering should be unlimited. They call this care. 

I have been deprived of my liberty to end my suffering. But the monsters who call themselves the human race have decided that this cruelty isn’t enough for them. My suffering is never enough for them so they have turned living into a punishment. 

I have been deprived of my liberty but the monsters who call themselves the human race have not been denied theirs. They remain free and evil. They have forced me to live but they remain free to keep on hurting me and keep on making me want to die and the law is on their side. So that’s what they do. 

So I remain suicidal. Not for days and for months though such suffering is too cruel to do to anyone. My punishment stretches across further than a decade. 

I suffer so much that I need to die. I am forced to live to suffer more. I am deprived of my liberty to end my suffering – a goal which is priceless to me. But the monsters who call themselves the human race want to be free to keep on making me want to die. So I still need to die.

What did I do to deserve such a terrible punishment? My suffering is unlimited. Your cruelty is unlimited. No suicide laws deprive you of your freedom to do further cruelty and evil to a suicidal individual. 

There is no justice in this punishment. There is no mercy. The end of my suffering is denied because assisted suicide is a crime. My suffering is unlimited because I’m denied my liberty to end my suffering by assisted suicide. My suffering is unlimited because I live amongst the monsters who call themselves the human race. I just need a little help but instead I am punished further for my cowardice and failing to kill myself. 

This happens in a country which no longer uses execution as a punishment. It’s deemed to be too cruel to do to anyone. No matter how much they’re hated and how many hate them no one fears the punishment of execution. It’s too cruel to do to anyone.

But something worse happens to me. I want to die but I’m forced to live and to be kept suicidal. I need to die but my suffering is unlimited. It’s a far better punishment to make living the punishment. Make the victim hope for death but don’t let them die. Force them to live and keep on making them want to die. Make living the punishment and never stop the cruelty no matter how long I’ve been suicidal. That’s too cruel to do to anyone and that’s my punishment done by and delivered with extreme hatred by the monsters who call themselves the human race. 

So what did I do to deserve such terrible punishment? I am denied the end of my suffering but the monsters who called themselves the human race are not denied their freedom to keep on making this suicidal individual want to die. 

My suffering is unlimited. This is only ever punishment and it is too cruel to do to anyone. What did I do that my punishment is this severe? I’m suicidal but this isn’t enough of my suffering for them to want it to end. They deny me the hope only assisted suicide can fulfil but they’re in no way deprived of their liberty to do evil and cruelty to me. So my suffering is unlimited. 

What did I do that’s such a terrible crime so this is the punishment I deserve? 

Surely no one’s suffering should be unlimited. Surely unlimited suffering is a choice which can’t be forced on anyone. It’s simply too cruel to do to anyone. What did I do to you to make you hate me so much that my punishment is so severe? It’s worse than death and it gets worse. 

But the monsters who call themselves the human race are really truly monsters. They know that if you really hate someone then the punishment must be done without mercy or hope of mercy. That’s how they do what’s too cruel to do to anyone to me. Because assisted suicide is the crime. 

—

Deprive me of my liberty to end your cruelty and my suffering. But you remain free and evil. Again, it makes perfect sense if you hate me because it’s the right recipe to do what’s too cruel to to do anyone. The criminalisation of assisted suicide plays a very large part in achieving what’s too cruel to do to anyone but so do the rest of the laws which relate to suicide and suicide individuals. 

Your suicide laws are utterly devoid of compassion and mercy. Let me be kind and consider this to be the result of your utter heartlessness. If you could be humane and if you had a shred of humanity then surely you must recognise that what’s a punishment too cruel to do to anyone no matter how much you hate me is still happening to me.

Consider that about a decade I was suffering more than anyone should. Consider that the state of suicidality I’ve inadequately described at the top of this piece was created after years of wanting to die. Then between then and now it has gotten worse. 

By my standards it’s too cruel to do to anyone, too cruel to let happen and too cruel to force anyone to endure. But by your standards what I’ve suffered and am suffering is…what? Never enough for you. How sad is that? 

Consider this part of what’s too cruel to do to anyone: too cruel to force anyone to endure. This element is a clear and present evil which is acceptable to everyone who believes assisted suicide is a crime. 

Now consider the rest of the suicide laws. The use of imprisonment is another clear and present evil that’s done to suicidal individuals. And the sole use of deprivation of liberty is its use to force suicidal individuals to live. The monsters who call themselves the human race are not deprived of your liberty so you stay free and evil.

My suffering is unlimited. Your cruelty and evil isn’t. In fact the Mental Health Act legislates for further cruelty rather than defend and protect suicidal individuals from further cruelty. There is no genuine care nor mercy for suicidal individuals and that’s what the law represents.

You care about my suffering like only monsters would do. Or you do what monsters would do to something like me because you hate me. But what you do to me is too cruel to do to anyone. But you have the law on your side. 

My suffering is never enough for you. So what defines my existence most of all is pain. Again, this is acceptable to the monsters who call themselves the human race. 

You can’t see the crime. I should never suffer so much. Never ever. 

My pain never ends. Your evil never ends. That’s the crime but you have the law on your side. How sad is that?

Part 3 the foundation is the nature and severity of suicide pain. The foundation should also include what suicidal individuals want. This doesn’t exist yet. How sad is this? 

I’ve tried to explain the foundation of everything you do to suicidal and what is the right foundation. 

You must recognise the truth. The truth is so simple. Suicide pain is extreme in its nature and severity. It’s worse than death. You will not find this explained in a psychiatric textbook and you will not see this truth recognised anywhere in your suicide system nor in the suicide policy and practice which you believe in.

What I’ve written is based on simple logic but it’s logic which builds on a foundation which is fundamentally antipaychiatry. The foundation is the pain is unacceptable. The foundation is also about a suicide system which actually cares about what suicidal individuals want. Again, this is antipaychiatry. The medicalised suicide system – the system you believe in – doesn’t care about what suicidal individuals want. It doesn’t care. 

Nothing I’ve said requires any intelligence to come up with. It doesn’t come from empathy either but that’s what I ask from you. It comes from personal experience. I have so much experience of what’s to cruel to happen to anyone and too cruel to force anyone to endure. 

It’s pain…so much pain for so long…that defines my existence most of all. It should be of no surprise to you that I did not choose to suffer all this then suffer all the more. I’ve suffered so much cruelty after I’ve become suicidal and after I’ve been forced to live. Again, I didn’t choose this. 

But at no point in all this suffering has the end of my suffering and the end of my suicidal feelings being as important to those who have power over what happens to me as it is to me. The government is part of this. My suffering isn’t enough for the government. It has never been enough for you to want it to end so I’m still fighting for my death. 

Do you understand why I can’t live? You’ve decided my suffering must be unlimited. This is simply evil. This is too cruel to do to anyone. But for you it’s an acceptable consequence of the criminalisation of assisted suicide. 

The criminalisation of assisted suicide sits on top of a mountain of other cruelties. Note the sub domain I chose for the last bespoke blog I wrote. Like your cruelty isn’t enough already I have to fight for my death. 

To this day your are unequivocal in making a choice which affects me in a massive way. You choose to deny me access to assisted suicide because my suffering is never enough for you. Never ever.

It doesn’t matter if you hate me. It doesn’t matter if you try to care. What you’re forcing me to endure is too cruel to do to anyone. That’s the crime. Assisted suicide is not a crime. Never ever except in a civilisation of monsters. 

You believe my suffering should be unlimited. So what should never get worse got worse. Because my suffering is never enough for you. Never ever. 

The government and so many others are all part of achieving what’s too cruel to force anyone to endure. So why would I want to live amongst monsters like you? 

Suicidal individuals should be a protected group. Instead we’re oppressed and persecuted. We’re victims of further cruelty which is sanctioned by the law and the law deprives no one of the cruelty they can do to a suicidal individual. The law is focused most of all on depriving suicidal individuals of our liberty.

The law is not on our side and neither is the government. The law and the government are on the side of doctors. Not suicidal individuals. Thus your suicide system doesn’t give a damn about what suicidal individuals want. 

I’m describing clear and present injustice. I’m describing clear and present evil. You might be able to live with it but I can’t. 

I know what you can do to a suicidal individual. I know what you can’t do for a suicidal. I know it’s your evil and cruelty that defines your kind. This alone is a great reason to die but your kind have given me so many more reasons to die. Again, it’s too cruel for anyone to face this but never enough for you.

My MP has said, “I will not reconsider the legalisation of assisted suicide.” They’ve also decided that my suffering should be unlimited. This is my response to my MP and everyone who believes my suffering is never enough. 

Even if you try to care. Even if you hate me. You’re doing what’s too cruel to do to anyone. But this isn’t a crime in a civilisation of monsters. Assisted suicide is.

I have repeated myself frequently in this piece to reinforce my point. What I’ve learned to expect from your kind is that you’ll reinforce my point. I need to die because it’s your cruelty and evil that defines your kind. You force me to live because your cruelty and evil is what defines your kind. Because my suffering is never enough for you. 

Recognise all I’ve suffered then I’ve suffered all the more even after I’ve been forced to live. That’s the crime. 

You should have killer me a long time ago than put me through so much suffering. But you can’t see the crime or what is just. You can’t even tell the difference between assisted suicide and murder. How sad is this? 

Legalise assisted suicide. Because if you or someone you care about goes through what I go through then that’s what you’d want. Recognise what’s worse than death for what it is. Not an illness but too awful to live.

Legalise assisted suicide because my personal experience demonstrates how important it is especially in a civilisation of monsters. It’s been the only thing that can save me from all these things done to me which are too cruel to force anyone to endure. 

Legalise assisted suicide because it is the only defence against the cruelty and evil that defines the monsters who call themselves the human race. 

Recognise this truth: unlimited suffering is evil. Then go back to the top of this piece and reread my personal experience of how I felt a decade ago. Then trust me when I say that life shouldn’t be this bad. 

Recognise that my life and my suffering was too cruel to happen to anyone a decade ago. Then recognise the only thing that could have saved me from my life and my suffering getting even worse is my death.

Recognise how truly evil your kind are and that’s why the legalisation of assisted suicide is so important. Suicide saves me from what’s worse than death. You can’t. Instead your kind make it worse. You are monsters after all. What else could you do?

Again I reinforce my point as I’m sure you’ll do. My suffering is never enough for you. It defines you. You’d rather my suffering be extended and worsened than show a shred of genuine care. But that’s what assisted suicide is. It’s genuine care. 

Your kind can’t save me from all this suffering. Suicide saves. Suicide cares more than any of you have ever achieved. 

Legalise assisted suicide. Care.